Puberty is a big physical and emotional transition, and dads often feel sidelined from it. They do not have to be. Here is how to be genuinely supportive during your daughter’s puberty without making her, or yourself, uncomfortable.
What is going on?
Puberty in girls typically begins between ages 9 and 13 and involves breast development, pubic hair growth, increased height, the development of hips and eventually the start of periods. Alongside these physical changes come significant hormonal shifts that affect mood, social behaviour, self-consciousness and the need for privacy. Dads often step back at this point, either because they feel the territory now belongs to the mother or because they are unsure how to be present without being intrusive. Both responses have a cost. The daughter often interprets dad’s withdrawal as a signal that her changing body is something to be ashamed of around men she loves.
What is normal:
Key takeaways
- Increased need for privacy around her body as it changes
- Greater self-consciousness in changing situations, swimming, sport
- Wanting to talk to her mother rather than her father about certain things
- Mood variability as hormones begin to fluctuate
- Interest in her appearance, clothes and how others see her
- Pulling back slightly from physical affection she used to welcome
What is not normal (seek support):
- Significant distress about her body changes
- Trying to stop or hide physical development
- Extreme social withdrawal or self-consciousness beyond normal development
- Body image concerns that are affecting her eating or daily functioning
Your teen’s perspective:
I did not want my dad to talk about my body. But I also did not want him to act like it was something weird or shameful. The best thing he did was just be completely normal. He did not mention what was changing, he just kept treating me the same. That felt respectful and safe.
How to start the conversation:
- “I know things are changing for you right now. You do not have to talk to me about it, but I am here if you want to.”
- “Is there anything you need that we do not have in the house?”
- “I want you to know that whatever you are going through is completely normal and I am not going anywhere.”
- “You can always come to me. About anything. I will not make it weird.”
Do:
- Stay physically and emotionally present even as her need for privacy increases
- Respect the new boundaries around her body without making a performance of it
- Make sure the practical things are covered, products, GP, information
- Speak normally about puberty if it comes up, without lowering your voice
- Maintain your usual ways of connecting regardless of what is changing
- Defer to her mother on some specifics, but do not check out entirely
Avoid:
- Disappearing from her emotional world as her body changes
- Making her feel that her developing body makes you uncomfortable
- Commenting on her body, positively or negatively
- Treating puberty as exclusively her mother’s territory
- Creating a silence so thick around puberty that she feels ashamed of it
Watch for:
Your continued, calm, unchanged presence during puberty tells her that her changing body has not changed you. That message is more powerful than any conversation you could have.
When to seek help:
Worth knowing
If she is showing significant distress about her body development, including extreme self-consciousness, avoidance of activities or signs of body image distress, a GP or therapist can help. Trust your instincts.
In the app:
The Ladybird Club helps your daughter understand puberty from the inside, with cycle tracking, hormone education and a private journal. Giving her the app is one of the most practical and supportive things you can do.
Related articles
- A dad’s guide to his daughter’s period: what you actually need to know
- The dad’s guide to teenage girl mood swings: it’s not you, it’s her hormones
- how can I talk to my teenager about their feelings without being judgmental?
Understanding starts here.
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